Harry Potter and the Messed Up Website
by Batholith Fetish
Summary: Harry Potter and other characters discover this site, and horror ensues! My lame attempt at a humor hehe. It's finally complete! Come and get it while it's still hot!
1. Harry's Discovery

Batholith Fetish: Woohoo, first story on this account! Just so you all know, I used to be "Conscience Choo", and I might upload one of my stories from there onto this account, so don't think I'm copying! (I'll be copying myself hehe).

And so anyways...

Here I am, attempting a humor story (and failing miserably hehe). I saw a story similar to this only about Danny Phantom, and thought "hey, why don't I make one about Harry Potter?" Now, I enjoy all the stories I tease here; I even plan to write some in the future, so DON'T BE OFFENDED! Just enjoy :)

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters, Miss Rowling does. If I did, I would be filthy rich and proudly scream it from the top of my roof. But...I don't...alas...poor me

Ah well.

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Chapter One: Harry's Discovery

Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived a.k.a Voldemort-killer Extroadinare, was just walking Hogwart halls, minding his own business, when an overly hyper first year popped out of nowhere.

"Blimey, you're Harry Potter!"

He went down on his knees as if Harry were a king.

"Can I humbly ask for your autograph, oh great magic one? Just put: To my insanely obsessed #1 fan."

He stood back up and pulled out a quill and the back of his long-overdue homework assignment (that essay will never be turned in now) from his school bag, looking up at the wannabe celebrity expectantly.

Embarassed, Harry grabbed the feather and signed the piece of parchment. Halfway through drawing a few hearts and smiley faces, the first year piped up, in his annoying pipsqueak voice,

"Did you hear, oh great magic one? The library got a shipment of these Muggle boxes called...uh...come-poo-ters, I think. They say it even has...what was it? Oh yeah, Inter-neat!"

Harry finished writing "to my insanely obsessed #1 fan" and handed the parchment back, giving the boy two thumbs up and clicking his tongue with a wink. Like I said, wannabe celebrity. The boy beamed and boyed his head respectively.

"Blimey, thanks. Bye oh great magic one. Merlin bless you and your sacred scar!"

And with that he trotted off, singing "Oops I Farted Again" and twitching with over-hyperness. Hogwarts needs to cut down on the caffiene at their feasts.

Harry Potter had always known about computers, since he lived thinking he was a Muggle for eleven years. He missed it (the computers, not the Muggle part), and so he changed direction and made his way to the library, eager to get on the beloved and addictive Internet once more.

After taking several turns, tumbling down a few of the changing staircases, and narrowling escaping a psychotic Filch and his stalker cat, he arrived at the library and sat down at an empty chair, once more facing a precious computer. I, Batholith Fetish, shut my eyes tightly and started muttering an incantation, sending out mind waves to the scarhead, telling him to go to .

Harry Potter froze, his fingers poised over the keyboard, and said in an almost hypnotic voice,

"I don't know why, but all of a sudden I feel like going to ."

He searched it on yahoo and found "Harry Potter fanfiction" on the list.

"Hey, that's me! Blimey, I'm more famous than I thought."

He clicked the link and lo-behold, a million stories of all kinds of genre, language, and rating popped up. He found a lot of "DH spoilers" and that sort in the summaries. Being the obnoxious wizard that he is, he started reading the descriptions out loud, to no one in particular. Well, muttered out loud, but you get the point.

"After Harry kills the dark lord, he and Ginny...wait, I defeat Voldemort? Awesome! And what's this...HBP spoilers? Woah...Snape is a Prince? I knew it..."

He scrolled through the story lists, smiling at the Hermione x Rons and blushing a bit at the Harry x Ginny romances. Not to mention an occasional gag upon finding an Albus x Minerva.

"Uck, Dumbledore and McGonagall together? That just isn't right. I hope that never becomes a reality. Hey, what's this?"

He scanned a specific summary and found HPDM written.

"HPDM? What's that?"

Out of sheer curiosity, he clicked it. Now, he will never be the same again.

"Why am I in the Prefects bathroom, hugging a naked and sobbing Malfoy? Did I just kiss the bloody ferret? And what's this...MERLIN! Why is there a chapter about me and Malfoy doing you-know-what?! What kind of sick Muggle wrote this?!"

He quickly went back to the other stories before he could blow his cookies. He saw a little list of characters at the top of the page, and paired himself with Ron Weasley.

"Ron is my best friend. How could they possibly mess that up?"

He soon found out. Disturbing stories about him and Ron doing the same things that author had written about he and Malfoy invaded Harry's eyes. He got out of there just as quickly as before.

He paired himself up with Hermione, Ginny, Neville, Proffesor Snape, and even Lord Voldemort. By lunch time, he was thoroughly disgusted. He went back to the first page of the Harry Potter section and looked for something sane.

"Harry Potter Danny Phantom crossover? Who the bloody hell is that? And why does every disclaimer say 'all characters belong to J.K. Rowling'? Exactly who is that woman? And what's this about characters? Everyone I've read about here are real live wizards and witches...Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore, Snape...what in Merlin's name is going on here?"

He scrolled down and clicked the next page...and the next...and the next one...scroll...click...scroll...click...scroll...click...

"MPreg. Do I even want to know what that is?"

Thankfully, he decided against it. His eyes finally came across an M rated Harry x Dumbledore story. It was the same as the Drarry and harryxsnape stories. Now this was enough to make him truly sick. Writing about him having you-know-what with Malfoy was one thing, but with...an old man?

Harry turned off the now dreaded computer and ran down the halls screaming.

"RON!"

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Batholith Fetish: Poor Harry will never be the same again. Wanna know what happens when Ron goes to FF? Well then, click that little button on the bottom of the page and REVIEW! Please, it'll really make my day. Thank you! :)


	2. Ron's Fantasy

Batholith Fetish: Whoopee! Chapter two is up!

Someone stopped reading my first chapter at the first sentence because of "poor characterization" or some such nonsense. And they hadn't even gotten to the good part yet! Some people have no sense of humor. I seem to recall asking for reviews, not flames? Ah well, their loss. At least I know what not to do. It sort of funny though, coming from someone with no stories written or favorited, so I don't really see how they can tell whether the writing on fanfiction is bad or good. It's very amusing.

But before I start rambling to myself, I want to make it clear to all of you that I write my stories however I want, this is fanFICTION, meaning I can make up and do whatever I want to anyone I want in my stories, so if you've got a problem with it, then go read something else. I don't have the time nor do I have the desire to put up with any flames I may recieve in this story. You have been warned.

But while some have been unappreciative, other have been fabulous. I'd like to give a big thanks to: **King-Julien-Lord-of-the-Lemurs**! Thank you so much for your kind review, you just made my day. :) Here's the next chapter, dedicated specially to you. ;D

Now, onward!

Chapter Two: Ron's Fantasy

Ron Weasley was just sitting in the grand hall, enjoying his lunch in peace and harmony, when an insane-looking certain best friend of his disrupted that and came rushing over to him, screaming bloody murder. Ron looked up just as Harry slammed his hands onto the table, disturbing an innocent fork and causing a drop of ketchup to squirt into his eye.

"RON! I AM NOT GAY!" he holllered. What with his heavy breathing, red sweaty face, and eye twitching from the ketchup, Harry was a nice clone image of a complete pyscho. Ron stared at him as if he were a weird bug.

"I certainly hope not," he replied. "What's wrong, Harry?" He stabbed at a sausage with his fork and took a big bite. Watching him tear at the sausage reminded Harry of all the you-know-what those sick Muggles came up with about him having with at least ten different people, most of them men, and he shuddered.

"Ron, you heard about the new shipment of computers the library got recently?" he asked as calmy as he could, still trying to force the disturbing mental images out of his mind.

Ron previously weirded-out face now brightened.

"Yeah, they're amazing! My dad was really fascinated with them. He can't figure out how the Muggles did it without magic. I played SkiFree practically all morning! Except this bizzare, evil black snowman thing kept eating me in the end (1). Why do you ask?"

"Well, there's something I think you should see."

Ron followed him to the library, still chomping away at his sausage (much to the distress of Harry) and they logged on to .

Once again, a million stories popped up of all sorts of genre, language, and rating, and after muttering some words of warning and 'prepare to be forever disgusted', Harry went to get some breakfast (no way is he going to eat those sausages now) and left Ron to scroll through the list alone.

"This seems like a pretty cool site. Wonder what's Harry's problem with it?"

His eyes spotted a Ron x Hermione summary, and he blushed madly. He continued to scroll down, pretending he never saw that, the scarlet still evident on his cheeks at the wonderous daydream he was now having of kissing Hermione Granger. He was soon snapped out of his trance upon reading an HPDM summary (uh oh).

"Hmm, wonder what that is?"

What a mess he got himself into. Now, Harry's not the only one who will never be the same again. Ron wheeled far away from the computer (the library has those wheelie chairs) and stared at the screen in pure horror, all the color drained from the cheeks. A few people turned to look at him with bewildered expressions on their faces, but the center of attention was too horrified to care. Harry kissing Draco...who in god's name would write such a thing? How could the thought even cross their minds?

Ron plucked up what little courage he had and slowly wheeled back to the computer, returning to the list of other stories. He saw all the things Harry saw, and boy was he disgusted. He looked at his half eaten sausage and nearly blew his cookies at the disturbing thoughts it offered. To say Ron was freaked out by all the harryxdraco, harryxsnape, and harryxrons was an understatement. To say he was horrified beyond belief was close, but not quite. He went back to the Harry Potter story list.

"Bloody hell, don't these Muggles have anything better to write about?"

He came to a particular story where he was insanely jealous over Harry's fame and success. He turned an angry red.

"Me? Jealous? Over Harry? Ha! That's the biggest load of troll I ever heard!" (Oh yeah, he is so jealous).

Speaking of insane jealousy, Ron was very amused at the Hermione - Lavender rivalries. He frowned though, at a story where Hermione used the cruciatus curse on Lavender, and his frown deepened when he read Lavender completely lose it and stab Hermione.(2) Girls...he'll never understand them.

He accidentally clicked on a Hermione x Ron story. He went redder than his hair and tried to get out of there and pretend he never saw it, but before he knew it, he was reading a whole chapter about him doing you-know-what with Hermione. And to put it frankly, he was enjoying it.

"Merlin, now this is a good story."

In the story, Ron stripped Hermione down, kissing her neck, then her chest, and then...

"Oh yeah. Deeper...deeeeperrr..." he purred.

The scene became a lot more graphic.

"Attaboy, Ron. You tear that ass up!"

In the story, Hermione suddenly pulled away from him.

_"Ron, I don't think we should do this."_

"What! Why not?"

_What! Why not?_

"Oh, they are good."

_"What about Harry?"_

_"Who cares about him," Ron murmered seductively. "I say we should run away from Hogwarts and forget all about them." _(3)

"Hmm...I should try that."

He read about ten more stories like those, each time smiling wider and wider at the possibilities, until his already small bit of will power ran out and he couldn't take it anymore.

"I've got to show this to Hermione!"

Batholith Fetish: Well, it seems that Ron enjoyed his little visit to FF. But how will Hermione react to all the hermione x ron romances? And just what does she have to do with this specific website? Find out by: reviewing!

(1) SkiFree is a cool, easy game. On your computer, go to Best of Entertainment and hopefully you'll find it there. But like a said, this bizzare evil black snowman thing always gobbles me up before I hit the finish line. :(

(2) The name of this excellent story is "Violent Revenge" by Kagome and Inuyasha-Puppy luv

(3) This is not a real story, at least, not that I know of. I just made up the scene.


	3. Hermione's Obsession

Batholith Fetish: Chapter Three already? Alrighty then, you asked for it, you got it!

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Chapter Three: Go-2-Hell-Lavender

Hermione was--what else?--reading in the library when Ron came up to her. He blushed when he saw her, remembering all the romance stories he read about the two, but got down to business.

"Hey Hermione, have you used the computers yet?"

She nodded absent-mindedly, not looking up from her favie: Hogwarts, A History (1)

"Well, there's this bloody good website, and--oh, just come on. You've got to see it!"

Without waiting for a yes or no response, he grabbed her wrist and yanked her off the couch. The innocent book fell from her hands and tumbled helplessly onto the carpet.

"Ron! What in Diagon Alley are you doing?"

He more or less dragged her to the computers, and sat her down in front of the very same computer he had drooled over earlier. Ron reached over her and placed his fingers expertly on the keyboard, typing in in the search blank and going to the beloved list of Harry Potter stories. Ron, not able to bear being in Hermione's presence while she read the ronxhermione romances, spun on his heel and sped away, back to where Harry was, presumably.

"Ron, what are you--" Hermione started, but he was gone when she turned around. She twisted back to her regular position, muttering "Boys," in an exasperated tone, before looking at the story list before her. Her eyes suddenly widened in disbelief as she realized where she was.

"I'm on ! Oh no, if Ron figures out my pen name, I'm dead!"

She hurriedly typed in "Go-2-Hell-Lavender" (2) in the author search. She soon found it, and opened it up to reveal her very own fanfiction account. She sat back and read her bio:

**Name: **Hermione Jean Granger (3)

**School: **Hogwarts****

Love Interest: Ronald Weasley****

Who I Want to Brutally Murder and Send to the Fiery Depths of Hell: Lavender Brown****

Pets: Crookshanks****

BFFs: Harry Potter****

Obsession: Reading is my life, as is writing, and I love writing stories here

**Favorite Food:** PIE!!  
**  
Nationality: **British

etc. etc...

After reading through all her bio junk, Hermione finally arrived at her story list. Half of them were, she blushed, her very own hermione x ron romances, completely unknown to anyone at Hogwarts (hopefully). The other half were at least a dozen stories about her killing Lavender and getting Ron for herself (obsessed much?) She came to a particular one, called "Ten Ways to Kill Lavender Brown" (4), and clicked on it.

_Ten Ways to Kill Lavender Brown by __Go-2-Hell-Lavender_

_1. Skin her alive and leave her there to rot._

2. Get Ron to have sex with you in front of her, so she'll die of envy

3. Watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre, get into the whole 'murder' feeling, and run after her with a chainsaw

4. Write 'Property of Lavender Brown' on the tag of a stuffed Barney and levitate it for the world to see. She'll die of embarassment.

5. Make a deal with the devil about her. Tell him, "She's all yours."

6. Stain some blood of the innocent on her soul, and then contact the nearest Ghost Rider and make him do a Pendence Stare (5)__

7. While she's taking a shower, stab her with a knife while the Psycho theme music is blaring (6)__

8. While watching the sunset on a cliff with the class, toss her off. Go for it!

9. Use her as a personal shield when fighting against You-Know-Who. Make sure she takes every hit.

10. Have dementors suck all the happiness out of her until she's a suicidal emo kid, and have her save you the trouble by killing herself  
  
She finished reading her greatest creation yet and logged off the computer in high spirits. She walked down the halls, laughing insanely, an evil smirk plastered on her face. You better watch out Lavender Brown!

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Batholith Fetish: Sorry it's short, I used up all my "writing mojo" finishing up my essays. So Hermione had an FF account, who knew huh? Not to mention she's quite obsessed with killing Lavender. Next chapter will be "Draco's Wrath" but...after that? I don't know who else to send out mind waves to, telling them to go here. Ideas would help, thank you. :) Review, or I just might use one of Hermione's ways to kill Lavender on YOU! Muahahaha!

(1) This book is the property of J.K. Rowling, meaning she invented it, it's hers, I don't own it in any way. k?

(2) I don't know if this account even exists, but I'm making it up for this story.

(3) I think that's her middle name...

(4) None of the stories mentioned actually exist, I just made them up

(5) Is that how it's spelled? From the movie Ghost Rider with Nicholas Cage.

(6) I don't mean Psycho by System of a Down, but the theme music from the movie Psycho (I think?)


	4. Draco's Wrath

Batholith Fetish: Surprise surprise, Chapter Four is up! I am back in business, baby! Hehe anyway...

Chapter Four: Draco's Wrath

It wasn't long before word got out about this new website our Golden Trio had discovered.

"It was horrible! I'll never be the same again!" Harry had sobbed.

"It was kind of freaky at first, what with all the slash, but once you start reading some real stories, you can tell why the Muggles like it so much," Ron said, daydreaming about Hermione again.

"I have no idea what you're all talking about," Hermione has responded a bit too quickly, nervousness evident on her cheeks. For the first time, she was glad that Harry and Ron were too dense for it to click that Hermione and Go-2-Hell-Lavender just might be one and the same. I mean, who else hated Lavender with as much passion?

So anyway, the word spread, and it wasn't long before everyone's favorite little Slytherin prat heard about it. Being the nosy wizard that he is, he made the mistake of checking out this famous website. In no time at all, Draco Malfoy stormed into the Slytherin dormitories, boiling with anger. Unfortunately, Crabbe and Goyle were the only poor souls there, so they got a full blast of Draco Wrath.

"Listen up, you lazy lumps!" he screamed, standing in front of the couch where they sat with his head held high with an air of authority, like he was the eigth wonder of the world. Self absorbed git.

"Alright you two, let's get something straight." Crabbe and Goyle braced themselves and waited for the end of the world.

"First off, I am in no way AT ALL in love with that scarhead!" Crabbe and Goyle exchanged a look of utter confusion, being the idiots that they are.

"I don't secretly have an infatuation with him, I hated him the minute I saw him (1)! Never in my life do I want to do any of the things those repulsive Muggles wrote about. If I had a choice between dating Potter or having the Dark Lord murder me in the worst way imaginable, I would choose death as my fate without second thought. Got that?"

Crabbe and Goyle nodded stupidly, their mouths open, apparently in their own little worlds and not paying any attention to what Malfoy was saying. Over the years, they had learned to block out his wraths.

"Secondly, I am not in love with Granger. Who could ever even think about comparing my perfection to her, and wasting my future heirs on a Mudblood? It's absurd! I don't have a secret crush on Granger, nor do I have any love relationship in any way with Potter, Weasel, Longbottom, or Snape. He's my teacher for crying out loud! I'm dating Pansy, and that's only because she's a Pureblood."

Meanwhile, Crabbe's eyes followed a fly as it glided around the room, and Goyle just sat staring at the air, mouth agape like a moron, letting his recent lunch digest and wishing dinner would be served soon.

"And also--my father does not beat me! Sure he may act like a jerk at times but how could anyone dare to mar such perfect skin as my own? It would be an insult to Malfoys everywhere."

Malfoy continued to pace around the room in a blind fury.

"And there are a couple of things I'd like to clear up. I am not secretly a girl, I hate Muggles and would never stoop as low as to accept any sort of help from them, no one in this entire school molests me, and no, I will never be sorted into Gryffindor!"

You could practically see the steam that spewed from his ears. Crabbe and Goyle flinched but otherwise made no signs of human intelligence whatsoever. Malfoy scowled at them and stomped up the stairs to get out of the Slytherin house. He stopped abruptly, and glared over his shoulder at his two idiotic minions.

"Oh, and one more thing. I AM NOT GAY, BISEXUAL, OR IN LOVE WITH ANY MAN IN ANY WAY!"

And with that, he stormed out of the Slytherin common room.

Batholith Fetish: Well, that's that, and sorry if it's kind of short, I didn't want to be redundant and repeat all the things Harry saw. I don't know who else to write about! So I'll either end it here, or make the word spread further. Depends on what you want.

(1) I don't think this is completely true because remember, he offered Harry his friendship. The hatred started when Harry turned him down.


	5. McGonagall's Affairs

Batholith Fetish: Woah...I guess I'm writing another chapter then, due to popular review! You guys are the best :) But I'm working on a Danny Phantom story, She's a Phantom, if you like Jazz and are a DP fan then go for it, if not, then ignore it completely hehe! This specific chapter will be dedicated to **silverbirch** for her fabulous idea. Enjoy!

Chapter Five: McGonagall's Affairs

By now, word had spread widely about this messed up website, and now the staff knew about it. Professor Minerva McGonagall, being the nosy teacher she is, decided she simply had to investigate this website to make sure it was "appropriate" for the students of Hogwarts. That was probably the biggest mistake of her life.

Sitting in front of the computer Harry had abandoned, Professor McGonagall typed in from the little piece of parchment a student had written down for her. The directions were all on there: go to , click books, then click Harry Potter, and you're there.

She followed these instructions step by step, and lo behold, she was now on the Harry Potter fanfiction page. She scrolled through the list, shaking her head at all the torture and rape stories.

"What has this world become," she muttered to herself. She found a story that said 'minerva x albus', and getting curious, she clicked it. Curiousity did kill the cat.

"Oh my..." Her mind now stained with minerva x albuses, she hurriedly went back to the previous page.

"Professor, no!" a shrill voice suddenly rang out in the library. Several shhing noises were heard, and Professor McGonagall turned around in her chair to see none other than Harry Potter himself running towards her at full speed, looking absoloutely horrified.

"Professor McGonagall, what are you doing? This website is cursed or something, you need to get out of there now!"

McGonagall, not used to being told off by a student, said "Potter, what is the meaning of this?"

Harry tugged on her shirt sleeve, trying to steer her away from the dreaded computers.

"That's just it, there is no meaning to it! It's just a sick site Muggles use to make us do unimaginable things, like we're their own personal puppets!"

Harry caught site of what she had been reading and made a disgusted face.

"Professor, do you really like Dumbledore that way?"

If you looked hard enough, you would be able to tell that McGonagall was slightly blushing. However, she brushed it off, snapping "That's none of your business, Potter."

Before he could stop them, Harry's eyes wandered over the summaries, and his eyes widened.

"You're having an affair with Professor Snape?!"

McGonagall looked at the screen, her eyes widening too.

"Severus?! Of course not! Who writes these kinds of things?"

She and Harry huddled over the computer, reading further. Minutes later, Harry drew back and gaped at his teacher.

"You're in love with Lord Voldemort?!" he practically schreeched.

Several people who had been using the computers gasped and clutched their chests, other fell right off their chairs, screaming that the end of the world was near. McGonagall blushed in embarassment.

"Hush Potter. And no, I am not in love with the Dark Lord in any way."

Half an hour later and Professor McGonagall and Harry Potter were petrified with horror. Harry leaned back on his heels, resting his hand on the chair.

"So, let me get this straight. You started dating Dumbledore, then left him for Snape, only to go and have an affair with Voldemort?" More screaming and chest clutching and falling off chairs at the mention of the name, but Harry ignored them, staring incredulously at his teacher. "And with these three boyfriends of yours, you had 4,638 love children?" He looked at his teacher in pure horror, with a look one might give a giant, hairy tarantula.

"Excuse my language, but honestly, what the hell were you thinking Professor?"

McGonagall just sputtered, at a loss for words, taking in all the horrors of this messed up site. And now for the grand finale.

They came across a story where she was just in a thong, in none of than Rubeus Hagrid's hut, ready to make love to the half giant. (1)

One look at that story, and Professor McGonagall promptly fainted.

Batholith Fetish: Keep reviewing and I may just keep on writing. Next chapter will be about Dumbledore if I get enough reviews. :) Go ahead, click the button, I dare ya! Go for it! Hehe...

(1) Don't know if this story actually exists, I just made it up for my story. Honestly, I need to check these kinds of things before I start posting.


	6. Dumbledork's Answer

Batholith Fetish: Holy cow! So many people have added this story to their favorites, put it on story alert, reviewed, and the whole enchilada! Someone even added me as a favorite author! Woah, I feel so loved. :) You guys are the best! Your comments make me smile...and laugh! Hehe, well I guess I won't be finishing this anytime soon due to its popularity. Woah...that's all I can say ha! Well, this chapter is about Dumbledork hehe. Next one will probably be about Snape. So stay tuned! Woah...you guys seriously rock...  
Oh and by the way, sorry for my gender mix up **silverbirch**! You rock anyways :)

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Chapter Six: Dumbledork's Answer

Albus Dumbledork--ahem, I mean Dumbledore--was pacing in his study, pondering the meaning of life (good luck with that), when a familiar scream woke him from his thoughts.

"Professor! Professor Dumbledore! Dumble Doo, where are you?!" (1)

Dumbledore opened his door in alarm and came face to face with an insane looking Golden Boy of his.

"Harry! Are you alright? Are you hurt? Are you constipated?" (I always thought Dumbledore goes overboard with his Harry-worrying hehe)

"Er, no, not really. Well, I almost threw up eating today's lunch hot dogs, but--oh, what am I doing! Dumbledore, Professor McGonagall fainted in the library!"

He ran towards the library, Dumbledore close on his heel.

"Why didn't you get Madame Pomfrey? Do you always have to bug me about every little problem you have?" Dumbledore asked irritably. The question remained unanswered as they reached the library. A group of students were huddled over Professor McGonagall, who was out cold. Dumbledore knelt beside her and realized she wasn't breathing.

"Everyone, stand back!" He prepared to do CPR on the Professor. He plugged her nose and blew into her mouth. Apparently he was pushing to hard and he--sigh, there's no other way to put this--he farted.

"Professor!" Harry complained loudly, scrunching up his face in disgust and swishing his hand in an attempt to wave the stink away.

"Sorry. Hey, I'm old! It's not that easy to hold in anymore," Dumbledore replied in defense.

He continued to breath into McGonagall, and eventually her eyes fluttered open. Of course, after reading all the love stories, she thought Dumbledore was kissing her instead of saving her life. She shrieked and recoiled from him as if he were fire. And no, it's not because he's hot (yuck!)

"A-a-albus! Wha...what is the meaning of this?!" she stammered, wiping off all evidence of Dumbledore's 'kiss' from her lips. Dumbledore handed her a wand so she could put herself in a better state, but it went unnoticed. She continued to stare ahead in a world of horror, until finally she croaked out, "Albus, where is my wand?"

"I already gave it to you."

McGonagall paled at how wrong that sounded. Seeing how she was about to faint again, Dumbledore quickly took action.

"Harry, take Minerva to Madame Pomfrey."

Harry nodded, wondering why Dumbledore hadn't just used magic to wake McGonagall up, and helped the shaky teacher make her way down to hall to the nurses office.

Instantly bored, the students went back to what they were doing, leaving Dumbledore to pace and ponder.

"Hmm...I wonder what made her faint?"

His eyes caught sight of the page McGonagall was on (oh no!) and he got on, curious at whether this would answer his question.

An hour later, Professor Dumbledore closed the website abruptly, shocked at all he had seen.

"This website is pointless. It's insane, it's...why of course!" Dumbledore suddenly cried out in triumph. "This website must be the meaning of life! Ha, I knew I'd get the answer sooner or later! Nothing gets past this wizard!"

And with that he skipped down the hall to tell the staff all about his new discovery, completely unaware of the 'Dumbledork' sign taped on the back of his robe.

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Batholith Fetish: Yes, very short, I know, but I'm running out of ideas! Hopefully next chapter will be longer and funnier. It's about Snape!

(1) Let's just say I watched Scooby Doo this morning hehe.


	7. Snape's Terror

Batholith Fetish: Well well well, I made it this far! Sorry for the long update but I had a major writer's block. Not to mention I've been working on my other story, She's a Phantom (of which I also have a writer's block), plus I have a mountain of schoolwork to go through. Sigh, well, I've decided that after Snape, I'll make one chapter where everyone is in it, and then that will be it! Next up: Severus Snape!

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Chapter Seven: Snape's Terror

Everyone's favorite potions master (NOT!), Severus Snape, was just strolling through Hogwart's halls, singing a catchy song he had heard on this Muggle website Youtube, called Potter Puppet Pals. (1)

"Snape, Snape, Severus Snape. Snape, Snape, Severus Snape."

His singing (rather off-key, I may add) was cut abruptly short as his sworn enemy Harry Potter came running down the hall, smacking right into him and knocking them both to the ground.

"Potter!" Snape bellowed, rubbing the forming bruise on his forehead. "How dare you! Five trillion points from Gryffindor!"

"Sorry, Professor," Harry apologized hurriedly, looking behind him in worry, "But I've got to get out of here! Ron and Hermione are trying to run me down, yelling about how I cheated on Ginny to marry Hermione, all the while having an affair with Draco and Neville, and secretly dating Moaning Mrytle behind all their backs!"

Snape raised an eyebrow, staring at Harry incredulously.

"Whatever gave them that idea?"

"Fanfiction. net! I've got to go!" Harry shouted, springing past the bemused teacher at the sound of familiar voices coming from the hallway.

"Fanfiction. net?" Snape wondered aloud to himself (here we go again!) "Probably one of their foolish websites with plans about defeating the Dark Lord. Of course, it's none of my business, but..."

He rushed down the hallway and into the library.

"Here we go," he murmered to himself, sitting in front of a cursed computer and logging on to fanfiction. net. He clicked the Harry Potter stories, and what do you know, a luciusxsnape story was right at the top.

"What do we have here?" Snape asked with a slight smirk, thinking he had caught Potter talking bad about he and Mr. Malfoy. Boy was he ever wrong.

Disturbing mental images flashed through the poor teacher's mind, each one more horrifying than the next.

"Those animals!" he said (because his voice never seems to raise higher than a whisper), cursing Potter. "How dare he. That will be _ten_ trillion points from Gryffindor for that!"

This horror continued for hours, as his brain soaked up every word of every harryxdraco, albusxminerva, ronxhermione, ronxharry, ronxdraco, hermionexdraco, hermionexharry, dracoxsnape, harryxlucius, snapexlucius, and worst of all, minervaxsnape.

But it didn't end there, oh no. Our poor, horrified potions masters finally found his way across none other than a snapexalbus. And the story behind it was more than he could handle.

_'Headmaster,' Snape mumbled quietly during dinner. 'Mpgnit'_

_'What was that, Severus?' Dumbledore inquired._

_'I said, I am pregnant, as in I am going to have a child because of you.'_

_A look of realization and horror dawned upon Albus Dumbledore's face._

For a moment, Snape just stared at the screen, unable to believe what he had just read. But he soon came out of his terrified stance, and stood abruptly from the computer, knocking the wheely chair over as he fumbled to unplug the horrible piece of technology.

And the brave, stern, almighty Severus Snape turned on his heel and ran out of the library and down the halls, emitting very girlish shrieks every second.

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Batholith Fetish: Ooh...Harry's gonna get it! One more chapter to go and then I'm done with this! And sorry if it's insanely short, I think my brain just fused.

(1) If you haven't watched this, go ahead! It's hilarious! Go to Youtube and type in: Potter Puppets Pals in The Mysterious Ticking Noise. It's catchy! Snape, Snape, Severus Snape. Snape, Snape, Severus Snape...

(2) Yes, I made this up too. Not a real story, as far as I'm concerned.


	8. Hogwarts & the Messed Up Website

Batholith Fetish: I couldn't procrastinate on this any longer so, here it is. Oh my...I never thought I'd get this far! You know at first, I had just planned to leave it at Draco's Wrath and be done with it. But now look where I am! I couldn't have gotten this far if it weren't for all you amazing reviewers, so I THANK YOU! (Throws M&Ms in the air) M&Ms for all! If I had a million dollars, I'd give it to you. You've all made me so happy, sniffle, you guys rock!

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Chapter Eight: Hogwarts and the Messed Up Website

Harry Potter was going to get it. Oh yes, he was going to get it good. Or bad. Either way, he was going to pay.

Severus Snape was both horrified and pissed at the disturbing information his brain had just recieved from that sick, twisted Muggle website, and who better to take it out on than perfect, preppy Potter? Unfortunately, word about fanfiction .net had spread like a wild fire, and now all the students were surrounding computers, logging onto the famous website and gasping and fainting.

"Headmaster!" Snape bellowed at Dumbledore's office, unable to find Harry Potter just yet, but putting it aside for the moment when he saw all the students lined up in the library, waiting for their turn on a computer. Snape shuddered a bit at the sight of Dumbledore, but continued, "Headmaster, you've heard about fanfiction .net, I presume?" Dumbledore nodded his approval. "Well, all the students are breaking Hogwarts rules and viewing that website! Ten kazillion points from each house seems like a fair punishment, don't you think?" Snape added hopefully.

"There is no rule against visiting that site, Severus," Dumbledore answered, rising from his comfy armchair. "But I'll, as the hip teenagers say, 'check it out'."

Snape rolled his eyes at Dumbledore's failing attempt to be 'hip', but sniggered at the Dumbledork sign taped on his back. However he kept quiet, so that he could spread the humiliation of this, and followed Dumbledore to the library.

All the students, ranging from first years to seven years, and Gryffindors to Slytherins and more, were huddled around computers, laughing and gasping and pointing in horror at various computer screens. Even the teachers were there, although Professor McGonaggal had fainted a long time ago.

"Don't look at me," Harry, who had been standing nearby and shaking his head, said with arms raised in defense. "I tried to warn them."

"YOU!" Snape bellowed, pointing an accusing finger at Harry, whose eyes went wide. "I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, POTTER!"

Their angry and frightened shouts died away as they ran down the halls, screaming at each other.

Left alone, Dumbledore looked about him. The room was noisy with loud murmurs, choked gasps, and at times, screams.

"Proffesor Dumbledork, I mean Dumbledore, sorry, look at this!" one kid suddenly shouted above the noise, beckoning the headmaster over. Dumbledore peeked at the student's screen, and blinked at it in shock.

"Why...I'm seeing all that I'm saying being written down!" Dumbledore shouted in surprise. He looked at the title of the story, which had Harry Potter and the Messed Up Website typed up, its author being me, Batholith Fetish. If this doesn't quite make sense, everything that I'm typing for this chapter is appearing on that screen, word by word.

"This is weird..." the students muttered.

I decided to have some fun with them, and all of a sudden, Lord Voldemort came out of nowhere!

"Voldy Moldy's back!" he shouted mischieviously, blasting anything in reach of his bad aim. "Mwuahahahaaaa!"

By this time, Harry and Snape had gotten back. Snape stared wide eyed up at Voldemort before swinging Harry in front of him as a protective shield from any stray blasts.

"Kill him Potter, you're the 'chosen one', prove it!" he whispered menacingly, before throwing Harry in Voldemort's direction.

"Ah, Harry Potter," Voldemort said smoothly, Harry trembling beneath his gaze. "What are you going to do? Kill me? Bwahahaha! Don't go there, girlfriend!" he said, saying his last sentence in a very Dr. Evil-like way. (1)

Harry looked around nervously, hoping to find something that would aid him against this manic (and bald, might I add) evil wizard. His face lighted up suddenly as he was struck by inspiration.

"Oh dear, whatever shall I do?" he asked in feigned defeat. "I do hope that Voldemort won't go to fanfiction .net, and find the story of newest and deadliest spells there."

"Ha! Foolish boy," Voldemort smirked, walking over to a computer. How ironic, that a Voldemort x Harry mature rated love story was on the screen.

"How interesting," Voldemort commented and the first part of the story, the worst yet to come. "Ha, now I'm taking off his clothes, probably preparing to whip his bare back. Muahahaha! And now I'm taking off my own clothes, probably so I don't get my favorite robe stained with his mudblood...blood! Muahahaha! And now I'm...now I'm...I'm..."

Voldemort stared at the you-know-what scene that was taking place in the story, his agape mouth tembling in horror.

"OMG!"

And with that, Voldemort fell flat on his back.

Dead.

Harry bent down and inspected him, nudging his rib with his foot.

"I think he had a heart attack," he hypothesized. From the look of pure and utter horror on Voldemort's face, that seemed possible.

"Hooray! The Dark Lord is finally dead!" the students cheered in unison, throwing Harry into the air.

"And I don't have to pay any more Death Eaters taxes!" Snape cheered silently to himself, punching the air in glee.

A grand feast celebrating the death of Voldemort (finally!) took place that evening, and everyone was happy and merry.

Only one was sad on that fateful day.

"All I have to comfort me now are the stories of him going steady with me," Draco sighed in remorse.

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Batholith Fetish: Not as funny as I'd hoped, but I had a lot of trouble typing this up. I'm just fresh out of ideas! Not even my long writing break gave me enough inspiration. But alas, it's done, and I must say that I couldn't have done it without you, my precious reviewers! Thank you so much, for all your support. I LOVE YOU ALL!!

(1) That's Dr. Evil from Austin Powers.


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